


Words Unspoken Are Written Instead

by writing_out_my_inner_voices



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, M/M, POV Sirius Black, Pining, Pining Sirius Black, Pre-Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-05
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2020-10-10 15:27:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20530277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writing_out_my_inner_voices/pseuds/writing_out_my_inner_voices
Summary: Wolfstar.Sirius writes a letter to Remus that Remus will never read. One-shot.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Needed to get this out of my head. Here you go. Some good old Sirius Black pining and being moody about it because what is productively handling emotions? We bottle our emotions or we die like men.

_ Remus, Moony, you absolute fucking wanker. _

Well, that was a great start to a letter that wasn't going to ever be sent.

Sirius sighed and ran his hands through thick black hair and slumped against the desk, staring at the curved ink absently, the ache and weight in his chest doing nothing to motivate him to help him with how he was feeling.

He had confided in Marlene about his feelings for Remus, and she, being the ever-constant gay disaster she was, prompted him to write letters. 

He had balked at first, but she had set him straight. Pun not intended.

_ No, just write them! No one ever sends letters about feelings. We just stare from afar and threaten anyone else who looks at the person we're desperately head over heels for._

He thought it sounded easy enough, reasonable enough. He didn't want to unload that particular bit of news on Moony, especially when it was so close to the full moon.

He picked up his quill again and after a moment, just tried to write without overthinking.

_ Sorry, I didn't mean to call you a wanker. It's not how I feel about you. Well, I mean, I guess maybe it is. _

_I'm more frustrated at myself than at you, though. You're always so patient and kind, so willing to listen, while trying to ask others to share their thoughts._

_You keep trying to tell me that bottling my emotions isn't healthy, but I honestly don't know anything else._

_I would have to hide everything from my mother, even little facial twitches resulted in the Cruciatus curse._

_So I'm sorry if I seem distant, and unfeeling, and uncaring, and unemotional. When I feel things, I tend to panic and withdraw._

_And I feel a lot of things, all the time. But as of recently, I've mostly felt things around you._

_I want to steal all your sweaters and breathe them in until I memorize how you smell._

_I want to steal your chocolate because your calm anger is so damn appealing to me._

_I want to tangle my fingers in your hair and pet you until you doze off while reading some godawful book. Probably something involving History of the Wizarding World._

_I want to be able to stare at your eyes without flinching and looking away. You have the warmest eyes I've ever seen, and I still can't pin what color they are._

_I want to be able to sit and talk with you about everything you find interesting. You may think I'm bored and zoning out when I'm listening to you talk, but honestly. _

His hand paused and a lump formed in his throat, the next words raw and emotional and something he couldn't take back if he tried. But Marlene said this would help, and so, after a moment, and taking in a steadying breath, he continued writing.

_I'm listening, and loving hearing your voice, and your passion, and your laugh. And I'm thinking about kissing you to interrupt you because I can't get enough of how animated and dedicated you get to sharing knowledge about a subject, or giving valuable advice in bad situations._

_I've been wanting to kiss you since that day in the library, when you were explaining some different properties of potion ingredients to me. It was so damn mundane, it was so fucking boring, but all I could think about was how much I loved listening to you. I also got a perfect grade for the resulting essay I wrote. See? I can listen!_

_I just wonder what it feels like to kiss you. Is it a slow sort of thing? A desperate sort of thing? Would I have to start it? Would you get impatient and drag me close?_

_I can't get over how much I just want to be near you, how jittery and shaky you make me. _

_The day I dropped my book on my foot? It wasn't because I found a spider in my bag._

_I couldn't hold anything that day. My fingers kept trembling so bad, and the only thing that came to mind that could soothe them was running them through your hair._

_Which didn't happen, but Merlin, I wish I had worked up the nerve to do it._

_I miss you when you're gone, Moony. I miss you when you have to go do something else with anyone else. I miss you when you're in the Hospital Wing and Madame Pomfrey yells at me to leave. _

_Please know that if I had a choice, I wouldn't leave you for a second. _

_Merlin, Moony. I have no idea what I'm doing or saying, what I'm thinking._

_The day we just got to chat, you and I, even for the brief minute we had, it was wonderful._

_Remember when I slipped up and told you how much I love your eyes, and you laughed in shock until you fell out of your chair?_

_I don't think I've ever heard such a gorgeous sound._

_You absolutely devastate me, Remus Lupin, and in the absolute best and worst possible way._

_I just wish I could tell you how I feel. I think that might be the most terrifying part of this whole thing._

_But you'll never see this, because I'm not ruining what we have as friends for what I'd wish we'd have as boyfriends._

_I'm a mess, I'm not sure you'd even want me until I got...I don't know, zapped with Obliviate to forget all of my childhood trauma._

_...But I guess I wouldn't be me without it, and you seem to like me just fine._

_Anyway, here it is, Remus Lupin._

_I have feelings for you._

_I think I always have._

_I'm...wondering if I always will._

_But keeping these ideas in my head, these thoughts, these feelings, it's so scary to open up about, Remus._

_It's terrifying, actually._

_Everytime I want to say something, my throat closes off and my heart aches and my stomach flips and I have to try to calm myself down before I faint from panic._

_I know this might be sudden, but I can't stop thinking about wanting to hold your hand, or resting my head on your shoulder, or teasing hair out of your eyes. Or...kissing the corner of your mouth._

_That's specific, but it's something that crosses my mind all the time._

_Especially when you smirk. Always when you smirk._

_Whether you're aware of it or not, you absolutely fluster me, Remus Lupin._

_I have no idea how to handle just how off-balance you make me feel._

_I've felt this way for years, and I thought at first it would fade, and I guess it did. But now it's just this secure sort of ache in my heart, in my chest, and the more it sits there, the more words threaten to bubble out and burst from my lips._

_I like you, Remus, you oblivious bastard. _

_I have feelings for you. _

_I want to hold your hand. _

_I want to hear your thoughts. _

_I want to lose hours with you just sitting near each other and enjoying the company. _

_I want to watch you as you read or study. _

_I want to cuddle with you next to the fire after class. _

_I want to laugh with you when you're in a particularly joking mood. _

_I want to hold you during the full moon. I want to comfort and treat you after the full moon. _

_I want to make it so any doubts you have about you having worth as a person, as a wizard, fades away into nothing._

_I know you've held me up through a lot of shit. You've helped so much._

_But I want to do the same for you. I want to help you. I want to be equal. I want you to know that I'm going to be feeling these things for you until I finally die. _

_Probably from a motorbike crash._

_I have feelings for you, Remus Lupin, and maybe this isn't the way I should say it, but I don't want to blubber at you about feelings._

_I want to tell you how I feel._

_And this is how I feel._

_From,_

_Sirius Black._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yet another letter, as Sirius works through more feelings, he tries to figure out just how to deal with said emotions.

Sirius tossed his bag down, watching as the contents barely kept themselves in it without spilling out over the floor. He got some concerned and wary glances from other people in the Common Room, but didn't pay them any mind as he sat down, and pulled out things to write with. He swore his hair might catch on fire from how tense he was, how much anger was currently itching through his veins.

_Never mind, you absolutely are a wanker._

_If my hair catches on fire, I'm blaming you, and never speaking to you again._

_Look, I'm fine being alone and on my own, while you run off with whatever girl strikes your fancy-_

_You know what, never mind, you're a wanker, and I hate that you're not dragging me off to some idiotic date where you listen to me blabber on about nothing while you stare at me adoringly._

_...Ugh, that sounds horrible just thinking about it, how in Merlin's name do you handle going on dates?_

_I think I'm jealous. I think I'm jealous because when I see you holding their hand, or pushing their hair back from their face, or kissing them, I-_

Sparks flew out of his wand that was resting on the table nearby, which made him, and the others in the Common Room jump, and with a quick mumble of a spell as he caught up the wand, the sparks faded, with few casualties except his now racing heartbeat and the fact that the letter was singed and burnt all up one side.

He set his wand back down, ran a hand through his hair, and tried to breathe.

_"Breathe in, back out, you can't do anything if you're freaking out."_

Sirius glared at the letter at the memory of Remus attempting to soothe him, and picked up his quill.

_I really can't get away from you, can I?_

That sobering realization had a frown dragging against his lips, tears burning at his eyes again, and with his free hand, he tried to rub them away.

_I hate this. I shouldn't hate this. I don't hate you, obviously. It's the opposite. But I hate feeling like this. I hate being like this, acting like this. I miss you._

The truth was coming out, and Sirius could barely write fast enough to keep up.

_I keep thinking at different moments, that maybe-_

_You look at me sometimes and I wonder-_

_I wish you wanted me-_

_I want-_

_I want you to be happy._

His quill hesitated against the paper, enough that a large dot of ink seeped through the parchment, and he hurried to write, huffing out in irritation.

_I want you to hold my hand. I want you to kiss me._

_I want you to push my hair back from my face. I want you to offer me your sweater when I'm cold._

_I want you to take me out for secret walks along the lake._

_I want this to be real._

_I want you._

_But only if there's a chance you want me too-_

"Hey, Sirius, you're writing the essay already?"

James' voice all but boomed out from the portrait passageway and Sirius, all too smoothly, set his quill aside, and crumpled the parchment up with all the energy of a raging tornado. He turned back to grin at James, Peter, and Remus, who were all now staring at him in concern and confusion.

"Nah. It's a letter to Minnie."

James actually broke out in a grin, and even Remus' concern shifted to a hesitant smile that tugged at his lips, and brought out the cute dimples in his right ch-

Sirius rushed to clean off his quill, put the cork back in his ink, roll up the remaining parchment that wasn't crumpled into a ball, and shoved it all back into his bag, trying to will the blood rising to his cheeks to fade.

_Merlin, give me strength. Goddammit._

It was far later when he was able to smooth out the parchment, taking far too long to make sure the noise didn't wake the others in the dormitory, and then, he finished writing.

_You have fucking dimples, are you fucking kidding me right now, Remus Lupin?_

_Illegal, your dimples should be illegal. Your face should be illegal._

_Dammit, that was insensitive, sorry. You know what I mean though-_

_....Dimples. Fucking dimples. Are you kidding-_

He glanced around to make sure the others were still asleep, and froze when he found Remus staring blearily at him from his bed. Sirius didn't say anything, and neither did Remus. Sirius sucked in a breath, let it back out, and then turned back to writing, peeking back up at Remus every so often, who seemed content to just...watch him, sleepy confusion and concern in his eyes.

_...You have no idea how badly I want to kiss you when you look at me like that, Remus Lupin._

Sirius glanced down to read over everything, and sign his name, and when he glanced up again, Remus' eyes were closed. He had finally fallen back asleep.

_From your lovesick roommate who's a hopeless moron,_

_And who will always be yours,_

_Sirius Black_

Sirius rolled his eyes as he read it back, and very carefully, blew on the parchment to make it dry faster, before folding it up, and hiding it away, reassuring himself that Remus was asleep, and wasn't seeing where he hid the letter.


End file.
